The mail, small children and toilet paper.

April 13th, 2009    Author: Staff Report    Filed Under: Opinion

Today I happened to receive a package that was also a surprise. A little mystery package in a white box.

“Hmm… funny.” I thought to myself “I don’t usually buy orders small enough to arrive contained in little white boxes like this one. Big white boxes, yes. Little ones, no. Wonder what it could be?” Then I thought to myself “Quit thinking to yourself, ya ninny and just open the box already!”

So I did.

It was the coolest thing I have ever received in the mail.

Ever.

For what it’s worth “Ever” translates to “This week” in Christina time, in case you were wondering.

I just stared at it. I furrowed my brow, cocked my head to the side and looked at it inquisitively. I turned it around in my hands, inspecting it from every angle.

Then I burst out laughing.

It would appear that I was holding the largest roll of toilet paper known to man in my hands. It made all of the double rolls stored on the shelf in my laundry room tremble in fear. This roll of toilet paper wasn’t merely large, it was HUGE! The small slip of paper included with my toilet paper claimed that this one roll contained enough cushiony toilet paper softness to equal four rolls of my regular stuff. They encouraged me to try it, then buy more when I ran out. What they did not do was include a coupon. Don’t they know I’m a cheapskate?

Well, if ye mighty toilet paper manufacturing Gods were generous enough to share their wares with yours truly for free, I decided it would only be proper of me to use them. I headed towards the bathroom to remove my measly looking, almost empty roll of toilet paper from the holder.

I carefully inserted the new roll onto the dispenser and pushed firmly to lock it into place. Then I pushed a little harder. Next I gave it a good solid thump with both hands. It must not have been expecting that, because it worked and my new supersized roll of t.p. was in place and ready to be used. Just for the heck of it I grabbed a square and tugged. It came off in my hands.

Huh??!!!

I tried again. Same result. Well that’s just plain stupid. There was so much cushiony softness on this monstrosity sized roll that it was pressed against the cabinet and couldn’t spin to dispense the paper.

*sigh*

I took the toilet paper holder back out of the dispenser, almost causing serious injury to myself in the process when all of the pressure holding the roll in place was dispersed. I removed the slightly disheveled roll of paper from the spindle and slowly started unwinding it so that it would be small enough to spin in the dispenser.

Everything was going great until my 3 year old decided to slam open the bathroom door and yell “Mama!!! You in here??!!!” while staring directly at me.

It scared me enough that I jumped a little (okay, a lot. Like five feet straight up). The jerking motion of my hands caused the toilet paper to fly up into the air in an arch over my head. Being the oh so quick on my feet thinker that I am I just stood there watching as the roll bounced off the window sill, clipped the corner of the sink, which in turn caused it to go hurtling towards shower curtain where it slid to the floor and proceeded to spin in a dizzying sort of way, flinging lengths of toilet paper every which way across the room.

Finally the spinning slowed and the toilet paper rolled across the floor coming to a rest against a red plastic toy boat that was sitting in a puddle of water from a recent bath. I looked around bleakly at the toilet paper that was draping the sink and tangled in the towel rack. I was amazed by the amount covering the floor. I marveled at the size of the roll now that it had managed to soak up the pond sized puddle of water that the toy boat had been resting in.

My meek little, almost spent roll of double wide paper sat right where I had left it on a shelf above the toilet silently mocking me. I let the little bit of paper that I had managed to retain in my hands fall from my fingers and drift silently to the floor.

Then I looked at my son and said “Yes, Jon. I’m in here. What do you need?”

He replied “I dunno, I just wanna know if you in here Mama.” and then he walked out slamming the door behind him.

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